That was its beginning. That was the house. That was the porch. That was the place.
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April, 2005
The rain was coming down harder now, splashing the tin roof above our house. We sat on the porch, crowded around a patio table, laughing, joking.
Brandon and I were smoking cigars. Nate was smoking his pipe. Derrick was coughing and his face was taking on a greenish hue. He wanted to fit in so bad, but he had never smoked before. My God, he was funny, though! Several weeks earlier, he spent the night …

To the child we might have had,
You would have been a girl.

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We were floating; rolling over waves in the blue-green Caribbean the night she told me she wanted a baby. I looked at the steeply-pitched red roofs dotting the St. Croix hillside, watched the palm trees dance in the breeze to the rhythm of the sea, then reached over and placed a hand on her suntanned belly.
“Really?” I asked. “Do you think we’re ready?”
“It seems like the right time. Good jobs, good house. If I get pregnant soon, I …

My friend Amy asked me how I could love a God that let so much pain and heartache come my way. I told her I needed to think about that for a while.
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I spent May of 2006 in New York City, and while I was there, I wanted to run away from God. It felt like He had abandoned me, and honestly, I was ready to be done with Him.
Most days, I would go into Washington Square and watch the NYU students sing songs with a hat on the ground …